A Day in Outer Cyburbia

We were gliding along on techno perfection while the antivirus days went into a single digit countdown. With three days remaining, we paid and began the download that would cover three computers for another year.

But six hours later, (ain't dial up grand?) there were still tweaks and restarts and two hours of it...only to discover that the download failed.
In the meantime, another company contacted, another payment and another download. There were insurmountable software conflicts rendering the new download unsuccessful. Stress escalated while we burned up cell minutes and time trying to locate the process by which one recoups financial refunds.

Many unsavory words later, the XM radio sputters like frying electric bacon and falls silent.
Not a good week. (My always Indian Tech Support people are not sure what to do with a dead radio, and have to call me back...)

The AV countdown zeros out and our computers are as unprotected as naked babies at a hungry wolves convention after a 40 day fast. We go to a physical location and purchase AV software with a real disc and paper instructions. It works on the old XP desktop and we think, what the heck. It'll be easy. It's self maintaining. No worries.

The downloads, at a local coffee shop goes off with out a hitch. Three little laptops in 40 minutes, bing bing bing! All three current and completely up to date. There are glad tidings galore.
Until a tool bar turns up missing. The protection continues, but it keeps squirreling away the toolbar download into quarantine, treating it like a virus.

At home, glad tidings disintegrate, when we realize the software is self-preserving, or more aptly, self absorbed. It will get online, but not allow ANY pages to load. This is unacceptable. We are mostly home PC users with (ho hum) dial up.

I call tech support after five hours of agonizing and they instruct me to do two things: change the Vista firewall, (I do, no change) or take out the software.

Then we discover there is a no return policy on opened software.
Instead of slamming the phone down, I try talking in a calm voice not my own, what's plan "B"? After moments of uncomfortable silences, "Mr. C" writes notes to the desk and gives me a customer number, and his name to show the return desk. Stating, "I can't fix it, and they really should give your money back... I can't promise they will..."

The next morning, I decide to do the unusual. I am alone in the house and say, "The Lord's favor is upon me. And such and so Computer software Company is going to return my money. I say, Jesus, go before me and prepare the way. I thank you that they returned my money. Thank you Lord."

Sure, I put on make up wore nice clothes and even, I never do this normally, wore that fragrance no man can resist--(Or so they said on Sunday morning) Vanilla. My only objective is to restore peace to our house and our budget. Get the money.
the deck is stacked against me. They already have the money, and their longstanding policy is NO RETURNS on software unless defective. It wasn't. The soft ware works great in the wireless places. I walk in minutes after they open and I am first in line. I explain the story.
I am remembering one thing--God plus one is a majority.
"We don't take returns on software," he says.
"I know," I say. "Here's the name of the tech, and the number of the problem we were having. "

This customer service guy is not a people person. He is dark haired young pleasant and skittish as a cat dancing in a frying pan. He keeps looking at me without so much as moving one facial muscle.

"Well, let me go talk to..." He gets side tracked.
"Do you need the card to credit the account?"
"Yeah," he says and he does the transaction anyway, even though they NEVER... "the reason we don't is because you have to give an email address to get the code."
"Yeah, I know."
He credited the account. It was almost as if God Almighty had control of him, despite his complaints, he proceeded. I'm thinking there is something to this talking out loud, like, Thank you Lord for selling my screenplay for 70G's! Thank you Lord for funding Sam's college education! Thank you Lord that XM called me back today and offered a free replacement radio! Thank you that all my friends are wildly successful financially, personally, spiritually and in their work!

From now on, you may see me talking to myself out loud a lot more.

I left there and went straight home.
And you want to know what was totally crazy?
Every light for 24 miles was green.