Over the years, I've had dreams in which my father had passed away. I woke up exhausted, inconsolable and heart broken until I realized they were just terrible dreams. They prompted me to develop and enjoy a solid, wonderful relationship with him, and accept him unconditionally.
Based on events from those dreams, I expected to experience his actual death similarly. Since it hasn't happened that way, I've begun to think something is wrong. Maybe I'm deeply in denial. Maybe the belief that he's somewhere around here, just out of sight blocks my "real" grief.
I want to call and tell him about this, but the thought short circuits when I realize, I would be talking about him. I still feel emotionally agog.
Aside from the mindless rituals of the day, I'm ashamed to say, not much is getting done around here.
I don't want to eat so much as drink, and drinking isn't a wise option. I don't need help feeling numb, or to be immobilized. I find myself staring like a catatonic too much of the time as it is.
How can someone who no longer occupies physical space on this earth occupy so much of my mind? I desperately want to disengage, go on a road trip, stare out some fog shrouded windows, soak in a hot tub, toast my skin on some sunny beach and listen to the sea.
None of that would really help. Wherever I go, I'm still within the cloud of my thoughts .
What I'd really like more than anything: to wake up in the morning and have this not be real just one more time.
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